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Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I get too much angry on my nice son. I hurt my child a lot. Pl. advice.?

I am 41 years old. Have lovely wife and only child, a son, 12 years old.

I am a post graduate Engineer and having very high expectation from my child in studies. I am very short tempered personality. My son is too good in music (playing guitar, Key-board, vocal). But is too poor in studies.

This is also, I think because of my nature. I still beat him while teaching him Math /science. I shout lot on him. Tell all heart-breaking words to him. He is too scare of me. I think my child has lost self confidence due to this. He has become timid child. He can not face people. He has become conscious. Even, while playing instrument, he closes all window/door and play in lonely situation.

My wife is also upset with all this. She always tries to protect my child. But I get angry on her. I too hate myself for this behavior. Each time I determine not to hurt my child, but again when I take his studies, I go wild. I think I need some counseling. Please advice me with some good tips.
Answer:
Good for you for seeking help! I think that you are really brave! The first step towards change is the desire to change. It sounds like you love your family and you want the best for them. I think you deserve a lot of support right now, are there people who can help you around this issue? Maybe you could talk to your wife about your desire to change the family dynamics. Another option is discussing this with a trusted friend. If you don't feel comfortable talking with them, you could try a religious figure such as a priest, or a local therapist or counselor. You can go to the psychology today website at http://psychologytoday.com/ to find one. I wish you best of luck in resolving this difficult situation, and I know you are a loving and caring person!
I think you do need counseling. But i would like you to tell you son that you are acting this way because you want him to grow up and become something big and successful. But also you should acept his hobbies and his way of learning
You need to seek professional help. Period.
go to someone more professional then ByeDr.com!!
See anger management, at http://www.ezy-build.net.nz/~shaneris... on page 4.
so stop beating your kid and yelling at him all the time. there are other ways to communicate with him. he's probably going to need therapy now because of all the abuse you have put him through. just be a nicer dad.
Reported. Your a sick soul and need some serious help. I hope the police come after you.
I don't really know how you feel but I can understand how your child feels. I suggest that you talk to a psychiatrist, and try to vent your anger in some other way. Your child is going through a lot of things right now. He doesn't need this added stress. I hate my Father for what he has done to me and even though I want to forgive him, I can't, something inside of me won't let me forgive him. You need to do something before its too late.
Get help from an experienced therapist before it is too late. For God sakes do it. It breaks my heart. Despite the fact that I have OCD and living with me is absolutely not easy, I never hurt my children. If you think there is no way out, I will adopt your child. I am serious. It is not fair to him to be hit by an adult. I know you don't mean it, but the very first thing that you need to do is to go to therapist. Tomorrow is too late.
How about you tell the boy that you are sorry and than when ver you feel the rage ry to put yourself in his shoes. I had an abusive father who did the same thing. Instead of scolding him for what he does wrong tell him what he does correct and that will encourage him to do even better in acedemics.
Some really good tips are on the net, and a really good one I keep in mind is always thinking what you would feel like if your dad was yelling and screaming at you. If really angry at your son, go away for a while, and splash your water on your face or something to distract yourself. If you are really frustrated, try to count to 10 or something slowly in your mind and calm down. Breath slowly, and try to tell yourself not to blow up. Give time, since yelling and other stuff doesn't speeden things up, and it just makes them more anxious to please and make mistakes. He may not be thinking straight if he's really afraid. Also, try not to attmept to teach him when in a bad mood, and feel like you have to "kick the dog." I know you really care about him, and want him to learn, but control yourself and you will get better results.
First thing, realise that you sons gifts may not be in the same areas as yours. You can gently encourage him, and help him when he asks for it. But when you want to get mad at him, count to ten in your head. Also, a stress reducing exercise I use at night is to tense each group of muscles in my body, and then relax them. Then you tense the next group of muscles, and on down the row until you have tensed and relaxed them all. That will help you. Listen to soft soothing music, and also, soudn slike maybe dad could use some help. (That's you, my friend.) YOur son may be trying very hard to please you, so reward him with kind words when you notice. And make sure he knows that you love him. That will help the both of you!
Yes, I agree, counseling would be a good idea. You seem to have some unresolved anger issues that you need to deal with in order to show your son the love that he needs and deserves. Maybe your father or someone else showed this same behavior towards you as a child and you are only mimicking what you have seen. I don't know for sure, but a counselor should be able to get to the root of the issue and help you make steps to change your harmful behavior. You have the desire to change, now you must take the necessary steps.
You should have dealt with this problem long time ago. Most likely you had a similar childhood full of mayhem.
Do understand life is life and a guitar player is as good as an engineer! As long as you are happy and you don't starve, see the bigger picture.
I'm not going to judge you .
but I'm going to say MONKEY SEE,MONKEY DOO .
you need to end this cycle ,or you going end up loosing your family ,i think you already lost your son ,his respect for you anyway .
How much you expect your wife to put up ,that's still her son ,and she will defend him to the end ,if she's a good mother .
quit expecting perfection from your son ,if he doesn't drink ,do drug's ,and still in school ,be proud of him .
it sounds like you have a terrific kid ,don't come here expecting sympathy ,give your son a hug ,and tell him you love him and you accept him ,just the way he his ,and if he needs help you be glad to help him ,and please seek help ,before its to late ,and you never can get this precious time back .
i am glad you are reaching out for help before you succed in killing him or your wife, i think you should remove yourself from the home and get some extensive help before you even consider being around them again. You may need to be hospitalized in a psych hospital and get some medacations for this problem you may have a sickness. You know i was beat as a child and it has affected me in every aspect of my life. You are only a terrible person if you dont get help and if you cant go get help you should tell your wife to press charges on you so you will be imprisioned now before something worse happens. DO NOT WAIT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS UNTIL IT IS TO LATE AND YOU CANT TAKE BACK THE DEATH OF YOUR CHILD OR YOUR WIFE OR BOTH DO ALL OF Y0U A FAVOR AND GET OUT OF THEIR LIFE NOW!!!!! GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR UNFORTUNATE FAMILY
I am 54, raised 6 kids. I too had a problem with anger when it came to my children. I did what my parents had done. Try as I would, I seemed to fall back into ranting, raving and hitting. I could tell by the way that we felt that this was not a good thing. I worked on realizing when I was getting angry. I would slowly count to 10 and take very deep breaths. Tell yourself if your actions are not coming from love, they are coming from fear. Ask yourself, " What do I REALLY want for my child?" I decided that I wanted a child who would grow into an adult who could rise to most any situation. That no matter how often they were knocked down, they would keep on trying. That they would grow to be kind and loving people. What do you want for your child?
You already know your answer because you admitted it.

I had a hard childhood, my dad was horrible to me. Wanna know what happens to kids who get beat daily, treated like **** from their parents?

They end up with mental disorders. They end up royally fucked. They life their life in fear of others and always feel like failures. Then there children have to grow up and watch their parents struggle to get out of bed ever damned day.

All because you took your frustrations out on your son. You pushed him to hard. Be thankful he is healthy, be thankful for the things he is and not what you want him to be.

Last of all, maybe, just maybe if your son turned around and hit you in the face you might know what it feels like, maybe if he berated you daily because your a shitty dad, maybe you would ******* stop abusing him.

The damage is already done. Way to go Dad.

Now go get some counseling for your son. Go out of your way to help undo some of the damage you have done.

Then go and get yourself help.

If you dont, chances are one day you may come home and they will not be there, A mother will only tolerate so much before she snaps and when she does you do not wanna be in her path.
My suggestion to you would be, definitely seek councilling for anger management but also, before your son loses all interest in learning you might consider to hire him a tudor and you stay out of his studies. It's clear that you are unable to teach him because you are expecting him to be like yourself, when he isn't, you resort to anger.

Our children will be who they are, not who we force them to be, no matter how hard we try.

If your son is talented at music, be thankful that he has found something that he is very good at. Some kids struggle and never find their passion in life.

I hope you can get this resolved, I know it's very difficult at times but there is help out there.
as a child that was beat with a board, had to stand in the corner with tacks under my feet, molested, beat with a belt, and had to eat my own feces, that part of me want to say a lot of things to you that are bad and rude and i am sure that even though you deserve to hear it i am not going to offend the folks at ByeDr.com. point blank, here is what is most definitely going to happen. your son is going to grow up and not have a thing to do with you or your wife for allowing you to do this to him. second he will do 1 of the 2 things. he will end up like you and treat his own children that way because he has known only that when he grows up. 2, which is the option i hope he chooses is that he will grow up and be absolutely nothing like you and give his children the love and support in whatever they do, instead of raising his hand when they make a mistake. i suggest you pack yoUr things and go get some help before you end up in prison. or take ur son to a relative so you and your wife who is just as is at fault for permitting this and the both of you get some help. i am sorry to be blunt like this but everyday children, innocent are born into this world and it is ridiculous what we see on the news the things that happen to them when parents cant control themselves. get some help.
My advice is that you should tell your son that you are reaching out for help because you know that the way you have been treating him is not okay and not the way you really want to. Also that he deserves to be shown the love you have for him,but because you have some problems, you just don't know how so you are going to get someone that knows how, to teach you. Then you need to see a counselor as soon as possible.You can work on whatever issues you might have that causes you to behave like this. It may even be that you have a undiagnosed mental illness that causes you to behave like this. Don't feel guilty, because it won't get you anywhere, except depressed and more angry. It is obvious that you love your son and wife or you would not be looking for answers about what to do. If you were a terrible person you would just continue to do this and never say anything about it being a problem. It probably will be hard for your son to feel safe around you, but if you are totally honest with him about how awful you feel that you have treated him like this, he will understand that you make mistakes. Tell him you are sorry, and that he did nothing wrong. Let him be who he is, enjoying his music is part of who he is. If you love him , and I can see that you do, then you have to love everything about him.Take baby steps with him, let him learn to feel comfortable with you a little at a time. Tell him it is important to you that things change between you,so he won't be afraid or hurt by you anymore. Let him see that you can be vulnerable. Give him some personal power to set limits with you. If he feels that he has some control in his life, he may feel a little safer.Be honest with your wife as well. If she sees that you are attempting to get help,she may be more understanding of the situation, meaning she may not be so angry with you if you go to couseling and try to find out the problem. As well as making changes with your son and wife. I hope this helps you.
http://dailystrength.org/support/...

http://dailystrength.org/support/mental_...
You remind me of my father. I began to run away at 16 because of my father's anger issues and due to him being controlling and abusive. My father eventually got help, but it was to late. I am 30 now and don't care much for my father. I still see him but only because my parents are still together and I want to visit my mom. Your son being 12 now is the time to get help. My father has bipolar which I have also been diagnosed with. Sometimes I see myself acting like my dad did and yelling at my own children and its not something I do on purpose I can't control it. But for the sake of your family and mostly for your son get some help NOW! I'd also suggest some family counseling as well as individual counseling. Good Luck and email me if you need to talk...Joanie
So you want to get help and that is good. But while you are getting yourself straightened out, I think you should leave the house and give your son a break. He deserves to live in peace.
Your wife should stand up and protect her son.
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